2001-05-21 - 1102 pm

this is gonna be long:

i got into a very physical fight with my mother today. she was mad i wanted to take the bus to school (she thought i was "rebelling" by not accepting a ride), rite?

so she spreads her arms and blocks my bedroom door.

WELL. i manage to get past her without being too forceful and then i have to deal with getting out the back door, which my mom also blocks. this provs difficult, since there are locks to be undone and shoes to be put on. every time i tried to unlock it she'd slam my head into my brother's bedroom door.

flashback to when i was younger (when everyone was younger) and my brother and i would wrestle with each other. flashback to tae kwon do last summer when i learned self-defense: move your leg behind your opponent's knee and pull forward, making that person fall. one more flashback to a few long weeks ago, when i re-fell in love with stefan briefly and we'd wrestle on the bed (just to be playful, it was somewhat sibling-like).

anyhow. i walk to the front door, which leads to 2 other doors on the way out but has a significantly fewer amount of difficult locks. she pulls my hair a lot, but i get down the stairwell and past the first door. my mom blocks the second one, shoves me into the wall and slaps me. i yell at her to stop hitting me and she says "i'm not hitting you!" cuz at this point she's probably afraid of the neighbors hearing us. then she pleads with me: "klara, please go out the back door." i didn't care whatever twisted reasoning was behind this, i just choose to relent.

she fucking kicks me as i start walking back up the stairs.

i have a very "oh no you DIDN'T *zorro snap*" moment as i turn around and jump down the stairs, maneuvering past my mother and out the last door.

my first instinct is to call ren, which i do. she lives on the next block down from me. and man i love her. she helped me get a late arrival and had falafel/icecream/sushi with me. and talking to her was great today.

my second instinct is to somehow get in touch with rainer. cuz a few months ago, he was my best friend. the more i think about it the more horrible it is that someone you trust (and used to be vice versa) is not someone you can call. my love doesnt touch him and my welfare means nothing to him at this point in time. i dont know what would happen if i saw him again. i think it would be one of those moments where you want to cry but you know you can hold it back so you do.

things when i got home werent so bad. my mom never said "i'm sorry" but she was apologetic and i never cared much for apologies in the first place.

i still want to move out though, the weekend after i turn 18. ren says she could join me. and it could be a good independent experience, getting a cheapo apartment with a good friend. fantasies are fun, yes? specially ones that are half-based in reality.

part of me is afraid that me and ren could get on each others nerves, but holy moly look at what i deal with NOW at home. and i think we could work things out if we had to. i have faith in us.

my mother told me that my dad is coming to town wednesday. looks like i cant see weezer, oh well. i have to find some tiny cafe that's not too far away but with a low population of korean people so my dad wont feel uncomfortable.

my dad doesnt know that i already know he and my mom have been divorced for over a year. but by wednesday he'll know that i know. i wonder if he's embarrassed. cuz i sure think it's pretty dumb that he's about to get remarried and i havent really been kept up to date on these matters. i wonder if i could say stuff like "so, do you love your fiance a whole lot." i cant imagine saying it but i mite as well act like myself and do it even tho it mite possibly sound rude in his eyes.

i know absolutely nothing about my father. my mom said "he's very liberal, tell him about your college plans and he will go with whatever you wish to study." and i started to cry cuz that sort of understanding is amazing to me.