2001-12-16 - 8:37 p.m.

i think it's fitting that lina told al his "klara mix" cd (filled with death in vegas and massive attack and air) was sadly happying. i also find it fitting that it's my favorite mix of his.

i don't really know why i prefer mixtapes to cds. it's probably for all the obvious reasons of taking more effort (hah, more effort for the sake of effort and being classically heartbreaking). it's also quite a lot of fun to make a tape. i plan on having lots of fun with laura's, taking liberties aplenty.

i would like to smile like Kaoru from Evangelion. it's a heartbreakingly gently brilliant one. actually, i think i'd just be happy to see one like it, generating a look of love, the sort that Rob from High Fidelity always wanted to see being smiled just for him.

my birthday was interesting for me; it's the sort of day i feel like typity typing about using semicolons, unlike a lot of my other recents.

i saw sandy from about midnight to 4 am, on the Birth of My 18ness upon which we had burritos with nick and sean. oh yeah, and fabric softener and lotto tickets (scratch and lose!).

i went to saturday school and studied for the acalons i took afterwards. i thought it was interesting that my mother acknowledged my birthdayness but didn't tell me "happy birthday." it makes no sense to me, for her to not say "happy birthday" but to still advocate giftopening and candleblowing and cakeeating, the parts i don't feel comfortable with.

but! my lovely acadec friends shared a cake with me, and dr. bloland was so kind as to get a cake with my Name on it. not just any sort of Name either, it said "Happy Birthday �Klara!" i cut out the upsidedown exclamation mark onto a piece for myself, because that was just so specializedly great. i don't know why it was so great, having a cake with my Name on it. i guess it's because i've never had that before, and it seemed so genuine, to have Namey frosting for the first time. hah, nah not just because it proves i exist.

hi.

so anyway, i feel bad that my scores on saturday were NOT what i would like them to be. winter break is going to be filled with studying, and thank god my college stuff is almost over and done with. speaking of which, it's fantastic that Livy and Laura got into Tisch and Yale respectively, i'm happy for them even though i share a tinge of ren's "arr, that's great but where's my college acceptance letter?"

oh yeah, then there was going to al's instead of nick's. i think it's really cute that his mom gave me truffles (and ren gave me a gourmet variety CHEESES! woo! hahah. cheese). and Grave of the Fireflies is good. i think my favorite part of al's house was being able to walk his dog, Pirogi. she's so fat and small and active.

i think i want to live at elijah's house. it's just a comfortable place with fun things that happen. i suppose i wouldn't find it as fun if i lived there though, or if they held parties every night. but spanishyspeakin violinists ought to be welcomed, and copious amounts of spinach pie are also valuable. it's also possible that i always want to live at my friends' houses because my friends live there. yeah, that's probably it.

i don't want to be theoretical right now. i'm bunched up in fact, not jargon. it's not an unemotion, it's just existing and accepting without acquiescence. i think that's important because it's similar to how the klaramix by al is happy in the sad sense. duality. like thinking and nonthinking. wisdom instead of knowledge? i don't know.

it's especially important because of the sort of behavior i engage in these days, in this weakness (winter is coming, it is cold, and people want warmth and fuentes' other). there's not a lot of it, and none of it is actually negative, but i still shouldn't become too enshrouded in such things or i'll care too much. caring too much would suck. suck lots. i'm replacing such love for a person with universal love. i'll find out later how well that works for me (claro, never finding out any rightness or wrongness to it, like much things, in all my supposings).

as long as i love?