2009-09-10 - 12:27 p.m.
Phrases in my head:
silicon valley's alluvium
a girl in my position
Not to discount the rest of his life and the forces that determine its course, but I did something with his future happiness in mind and I can see that my cracked out plan worked. Ends justifying means, motherfucker, blah blah blaaaah.
One of the many things wrong in my life is that it seems like I can do best for the people I've loved by cutting myself out of their lives. And maybe it's not true, maybe there's a way for me to squirm my way in and be more a joy than a weight. Maybe I just need to chill the fuck out.
I don't know if the source of this particular pain is digital or not. Whether or not the way you dealt with burnt bridges was fundamentally different before there existed ways of constantly knowing what others were up to. I just know I tried to take the other person out of it, even if it means giving up what was once so sincerely promised to me.
I read a study that says the things on the tip of our tongue are there, in the hippocampus. That we can't yet tap into it and oh the possibilities. Didn't we already know that several times over? There is that one lady, the one who claims to remember everything and that it hurts like hell to be her. Being in between remembering and not remembering, the normal path, does that hurt equally or less? Non-eternal, touch and go sunshine vs. a sky thick with birds of memory.