2001-12-25 - 3:18 a.m.

1. there's an urge these days to write down my childhood, like i want to start memoirs of feeling astranged and sincere and commemorating all those bugs i killed or something.

2. i read something today about someone still being a virgin after sex because he/she never learned to be open (minded? hearted? oh there's something). the concept makes me think and wonder a bit, and i love how the word "virgin" can be used for so many things, and i am reminded to love language even though humans seem so inept at using it.

3. a year has passed, i am disturbed and get tiny shocks over how i used to know a person and i've forgotten it all (not that there isn't an imprint). it's like all the things i know about you, even your name, it all came from a book i once read. you never happened to me. i've forgotten so much of you it makes me sad that i am capable of such a thing, like a complete disrespect for the past.

such shit is too painful to go through, that's why we forget things, right? maybe i just don't want to see it (poking my vision in between my fingers) as something done without my own will to it; i don't want to see such a forgetting as an inevitable resulting from the passage of time.

the sound of certain songs replaces. it fights the silence of all those minutes passing by, giving me a surrogate way remembering my regard for you.

i don't want to not care (about you? well, that and so much more).

4.

there's just ... so much irony in how everyone shares this immense sense of solitude or disconnection sometimes.