2001-09-01 - hour one


new month according to the solar calendar. chapter one of a book i won't write:

buildup.

i walk home from the train station in the dark

and every once in a while i just start running

and then stop

after a block or so

because i feel like it.

and when i walkedjumped down the back steps to the basement tonight, it was glorious(!) dark and the air smelled sweet kinda like how you pictured it would be when you read a book and it said "the air smelled sweet" but only 'kinda' because it'll never ever actually match the smell in your head, like the way you imagine the aroma and texture found in the ambrosia of the gods (which i always imagined would be cold and sweet like the air).

it made me sit down and shiver in this shirt he -- the one who knows where all my birthmarks are -- let me have (not that he wore it anymore, anyway) and the hair that used to cover my face, back when i was different

(and i'm sorry i'm so much better as a person when i'm alone).

*****

sighing at flooded basements and waterspotted bathroom ceilings, greased stove tops where noone knows who made that mess, ants on the tabletop of the dishwasher that my mother never uses. struggling to hold on becomes falling, down livingroom drapes (the word "livingroom" is so ridiculous, isn't it?)

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - lloyd dobler, say anything.

i wanted pretty words hollow and full
(no one ever said "hollow" means empty).

here's where i squint while looking you in the eye
and through full lips and open hands, tell you there is a ripening.

i beg of you, never let a rotting sweetness overcome your walls, never let yourself be ranked by appraising eyes with faultlines in their own faces, never let anyone say you're not good enough for what you want.

and here is where my hair falls back on my shoulders, not in my face.

*****

"completely; altogether, outright, wholly, totally, in toto, quite; all out; over head and ears; effectually, for good and all, nicely, fully, through thick and thin, head and shoulders; neck and heel, neck and crop; in all respects, in every respect; at all points, out and out, to all intents and purposes; toto coelo; utterly; clean, clean as a whistle; to the full, to the utmost, to the backbone; hollow, stark; heart and soul, root and branch, down to the ground.

to the top of one's bent, as far as possible, outrance.

throughout; from first to last, from beginning to end, from end to end, from one end to the other, from Dan to Beersheba, from head to foot, from top to toe, from top to bottom, de fond en comble; a fond, a capite ad calcem, ab ovo usque ad mala, fore and aft; every, whit, every inch; cap-a-pie, to the end of the chapter; up to the brim, up to the ears, up to the eyes; as . . . as can be."


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