2001-07-19 - 510 am

i went to chicago comics yesterday.

guess who i saw walkin' to the store on my way out (pssst, my exboyfriend and unfriend). so, um ... brief words occurred. a parting ... then i saw him again when i walked into the belmont train station .. i went to the opposite platform he did.

then i did what was quite possibly the stupidest thing i could have done in that situation: i crossed to the other platform and gave him something: a birthday gift he RETURNED to me after we broke up.

(he returned it saying it was cuz the book was "representative" of me.)

i had it with me yesterday cuz i thought maybe i could read it or something, which turned out to be wrong cuz i can't read it anymore; i keep looking at it and going "oh, it's that birthday gift he returned to me."

i mean, well .. fuck.

so now he has it. im telling myself it doesnt mean anything to him, and i hope he doesnt think im some ubersensitive "girlie girl" for making him take it back.

i .. it's just ... when i saw him, i got weak. and i dont mean in a loveydovey way or in a memories hurt kind of way. more like a drained and frightened "i think i might vomit" sort of way.

did i mention i love the guy but can't be his friend cuz he doesnt love me in return? that's why im in pain when im around him. a thing like that will always hurt.

anyhow. after wandering around the city for hours and hours, i went to ren's and told her the whole stupid thing. we figured it's ok cuz at least now i dont have the damn book (Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto, i loved that thing to pieces in junior high. literally. it's torn up and i like it that way).

a thing i feel like mentioning: later me and sandy went to nick's house and made a batsignal out of a flashlight.

sometimes i think that most of the love i had for rainer has been sprinkled to my friends. and that's not so bad, is it?