2001-03-23 - 1026 pm


on the days i dont update, be very happy for me, cuz those are my best days.

today was freakishly both. had a few mental breakdowns but dinner at an italian restaurant with friends (and pirate mafia music!) was cool.

i really wanted to do a Perks of Being A Wallflower thing and stand in the car thru the sunroof on the highway at night feeling infinite with fred's music playing. i guess it was too dramatic for tonite. it'll happen another time.

maybe .. the reason i dont write entries on good days is cuz i dont know how to articulate the good things i experience. i try but i end up writing events not feelings. it makes me so sad to know that i have such a fault, cuz it means i bitch and moan without telling people how wonderful things are sometimes.

i didnt tell rainer how wonderful he was while i had the chance. towards the end i tried to shower him with words and kisses but i did it all wrong or maybe it was just plain old too late.

i get closer and closer to having moved on entirely. i dont like not being in love with him anymore. it feels wrong but i know it's "right."

sometimes, usually when im walking out of a room, i say "i love you" to the air becuz there's no one to say it to and the urge to say it is so strong.


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