2001-08-29 - 1151 p.m.

i want to quit all of this (here's where you picture me waving my arms around at "all of this").

i should go write in a paper journal or something. it sounds so nice and pure right now, even if maybe i shouldn't write of anything at all.

the past month, the past week, the past five minutes have drained me to the point that my eyes are burning because i am not crying.

and i think i understand why rivers cuomo never wants to hear any song off of pinkerton again. it's passion hurting to no end and no peace.

and i want to hate all of you but i can't.

everything in my head, as personal as it gets when i don't trust anything:

i'm so sick of thinking about an exboyfriend (do i even know the meaning of the word?), it's just that i keep on finding ways of peeling away calloused skin and exposing pink love underneath (not red at all). it's probably a good thing that loving him scared me so much to begin with, because i wanted to be with him all the time so badly i couldn't stand it and to have gone on would have hurt so much that i'd have broken down and hurt him more than i did, and what good would that have done him or me?

funny how his side of the story probably differs greatly. hahha .. oh wait that's NOT funny. and HAH! that's a real laugh because he was self-righteous (not that everyone isn't, including me) and i shouldn't make it sound like i was the only one to do horrible things. because that's not being an understanding and kind person, that's called naive, self-hating, and trying too hard to be a better person (better than others or bettering myself?) when one should be fair and equal.

i'm afraid of too much these days, and this fear didn't always exist. i don't want school to start, acadec scares me, classes scare me, college applications scare me. can't i just get into berkeley and sigh happily that i'll be far away from all of this?

fear is stupid. pointless. just get out and stop thinking "oh no, friends hate me, boo hoo," girl because it's the lamest thing you've ever been afraid of.

and did you ever know that if you didn't try to know anyone, you'd never have the chance to be misunderstood? i am so tired, so tired of misunderstandings.

what if this is my last entry?

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