2001-09-29 - 10:17 a.m.

doubts again.

this thing is less personal. less of what i want it to be.


and i guess it can't be for personal use anymore. so maybe from now on ... yeah.

it's not goodbye, it's closing off a bit. wrap me in a silver bell scarf where i can act out how i feel.

but lo (not andbeholdworthy), i leave you with this. things that should be assumed are happening in my life while i'm not here, since all my entries essentially share a common core anyhow (in subconscious order of importance):

- i love everyone, even you people that don't love me back or even like me for that matter. oh. for a sec i looked back and i thought i wrote "i lost everyone." that gets me thinking too much in every which way.

- *insert random-sounding and esoteric train of thought that can be deconstructed into something meaningful*

- i am sorry. sorry about the status quo, sorry about the past. but i have no regrets (except to you ...?)

- words that don't include me. because those shady bastards left me at a truck stop in frisco, snickering wildly at how they'll never show how i actually feel or think, nor this intense longing and dispassionate other.

- i am getting less and less happy to be social and i don't know if it's a phase or not.

- i am more and more afraid that in a one-on-one situation, i am just a reflection of other people (in a way, that would be really cool, because how i get along with people would depend on how well they get along with themselves). i get the feeling it has to do with how my voice can't be imitated other than momentarily.

- i see people talk about other people like defined objects. i want to peek in on other people talking about me, and how they define me. because it would be interesting to hear the conversations you're not meant to hear. that and i have no fuckin clue what people think of me, not as anything. i mean, other people are categorized into certain behavioral patterns, and i want to know what of me gets through to others' perceptions. like, i'll hear the word "god" and i'll feel as thought i heard the infinite, and i hear "piano" and i get a feeling out of that too. but i hear my own name and i get a big nothing.

- if you want to have some semblance of how i really feel, listen to sigur ros, madtrack it to the impossibles, switch to bjork, add a fabled track where yoshitaka amano pairs up with aphex twin, finish it with spiritualized.

and somuch inbetween.

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