2010-04-15 - 7:51 a.m.

Ten years ago, if you had told me "Klara, you're going to become a libararian beekeeper" I probably would have said that was preposterous and cool. And now I am one and some other stuff too. Things both are and aren't what I thought they would be.

Ten years ago I wrote about being anonymous and writing in a self-serving way and how everyone should listen to Radiohead. That stuff is still true. If any of my old friends knows I still write here, that's news to me. And I get the idea that sometimes a current friend or two might visit, but it's not like we talk about it.

I used to think that I'd give this URL to the worthiest of my paramours but that's not so true anymore. I'm not embarrassed of my past self but it IS private and I'd be concerned about the gradualness being lost on a new person.

Yes, this site is self-serving and in the best of ways. (I still like 'and' more than 'but' because I still think it's more true.) And I like Radiohead's cover of "Nobody Does it Better" just as much as I like "Kid A", if not more.

I know more, I do more, I've missed out on a lot and maybe I've done okay for somebody with my history, family, personal traits, etc. I still worry about whether or not this is the best I could do with my ten years, but I am somewhat satisfied ( 1 2 3 [4] 5) with my collections of data, the people in my life, and myself too.

What do I have to offer you, Diaryland? Here, have the playlist of a mix CD I made for my new beau:

1. Longtime Sunshine - Weezer
2. Transformer - Marnie Stern
3. Lust For Life - Girls
4. C-64 - Barcelona
5. Better Things - Passion Pit
6. Since U Been Gone - Ted Leo
7. Living Room - Tegan & Sara
8. I'm Always in Love - Wilco
9. Meaningless - The Magnetic Fields
10. Biological Romance - Cheese on Bread
11. Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart - Rufus Wainwright
12. Submarine #3 - Starlight Mints
13. Extraordinary Machine - Fiona Apple
14. Leave the Biker - Fountains of Wayne
15. Proofs - Mates of State
16. Here Comes Your Man - Pixies
17. Mt. St. Helens - Mirah
18. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
19. Can We Kiss - Calvin Johnson

Did you like that, Diaryland and 16 yr old self? You listened to some of those songs, and I know you'd like a lot of them if not ALL of them. And you'd be so proud of me, to know that I still like to decorate liner notes for people.

Just realized I wrote in Diaryland before I ever fell in love or set foot outside the United States.

Diaryland, I cheated on you with Livejournal because it's a less intense, more healthy relationship with my peers and wrote there all about how new love is scary and hard to deal with for somebody who doesn't know how to do things slowly and The Right Way. I try to be my best:

"That's what people do, right? Try to be their best, especially when in new relationships. I once heard a long time ago that people like to be friends with people who make them feel good about themselves. At the time I didn't understand that but I see it coming true a lot -- though thankfully I can think of several instances of that not being absolutely true. And yeah, this relationship makes me want to be my best for as much as possible for however long this lasts. I want to show that I've grown as a person and am capable of wondrous things, that I can be devoted and wise and full of love."