2003-08-24 - 1:13 p.m.

i had an almost nice conversation with my mom. that's saying a lot, because normally the only exchange we ever have is when she thinks i did a tiny thing wrong and then i get super-defensive about the tiny thing. that's a fair assessment, i really believe that.

after a lot of yelling about a bunch of crap, she left the room for a while. then she came back and told me "i forgot what it's like. at least you have your brother. i grew up by myself. i literally grew up in my dorm. i lived in a dorm for seven years. keep your self-confidence."

and when i take away the rambling she does, and add the context of my entire stupid adolescence, all i hear is "i forgot what it's like" and then i start crying.

she gave me a hundred dollars to buy whatever i need to move back in, which is essentially laundry detergent and a bunch of q-tips. i always feel guilty when she hands me any amount of cash, until i remember the hundreds of dollars she spends on ugly jewelry from ebay and then i'm perfectly okay with it.

"i buy all this jewelry so you can have it one day. look, this pendant is made with a real butterfly wing."

"that's so sad!"

"don't think about it like that!"

"but they killed it"

"no it was already dead."

my mom's a funny liar at times. then she told me about some steve mcqueen movie where the prisoners have to catch butterflies. with big nets.

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